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Thou Shalt Not...
by Rick Chromey
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It's the ultimate children's ministry sin.
It’s the most violated commandment.
And it’s the greatest clue into congregational beliefs about kids.
It’s the sin of adultery. Or essentially a church’s tendency to design, determine and describe their children’s ministry through adult perspectives. Don’t think it happens? Consider our expectations about kids. Adults have this faulty concept that children are just “little adults” who can sit still and listen long. We want them to worship like us. Or learn like us. Or behave like we do. The problem is kids are kids. They will squirm, wiggle, kick, touch, talk, yawn, stand, laugh, bawl, and do other juvenile junk.
The next time the children perform at your church, watch the little ones. In a half hour program, they’ll be fine. After that there’s a slow eruption of shrieks, cries, bathroom breaks, shuffling, “ouches” and talking among the children. Why? Because we have designed the program for adults, not children. If you want to see children “lose it” just plan a long program. Incidentally, the best children’s choir concert I ever witnessed lasted 25 minutes! Perfect for kids and their parents, too.
And then there’s misbehavior.
“Why can’t they act right?” we wonder. Simple. A child’s attention span matches their age. And unlike adults (who have learned to manage boredom in socially-acceptable ways), children “do stuff” when they’re disengaged. They create play. They plug in by acting up. Did you know the technical term for the “stomach growls” is borborygmi (pronounced “bore BA rig me”)? BORE ba rig me! Our tummies don’t trouble us unless they’re hungry. When kids get BORED, they grumble and roll, too. And the smaller they are, the larger the growl (yes, babies will cry in church!).
A few Sundays back I watched a preschooler stand in the pew, lift her dress and announce, “I’m a dancer!” Despite her “cuteness,” a general scowl was returned by nearby adults (which only gave this darling reason to twirl). Yet did the preschooler know she disrupted “our” worship? Did she realize her ecclesiastical faux paux? No, she was being a kid. Unfortunately, from the response of others (and her own parents rush to hush), there were different expectations: a church service should be silent…and no dancing!
Essentially, adultery was committed. In a church service (and a facility) designed for adults, by adults and populated with adults, “adult” behavior was naturally expected. If kids want to be “kids,” send them to “children’s church.” That’s the place for them, right?
Unfortunately even more adultery occurs here! Who leads and selects the songs? Gives the devotions? Prays? Teaches or preaches? Collects offerings? Distributes handouts? Who expects children to hang on every word? But let’s not stop at children’s church. What about children’s choirs? Mid-week meetings? Vacation Bible School? When was the last time a child served on a planning committee?
We say children are the church of today, but do we mean it? Our programs and beliefs betray us.
I think church should be like Chuck E. Cheese pizzerias: a place where a kid can be a kid! Why can’t adult worships be “kid-friendly?” What’s wrong with children passing the plate, reading scripture or assisting the songs? Maybe it’s time we took a “kneeling tour” through our facilities to gain a kid’s eye view. Maybe we should confess our teaching is more “adult” than “kid.” We like the lesson and so should they, we reason.
The truth is whenever we create a program, design an activity, or teach a lesson the way we (as adults) prefer, we commit adultery. It’s not that we intentionally violate this law, it just happens. So here are four questions to ask in order to avoid breaking children’s ministry greatest commandment:
· Why am I doing this activity? Whose needs am I trying to meet in this program, activity or lesson? Is this something children would like or I would enjoy?
· Are expectations of children more rooted in my wants and desires? Do I expect too much, too soon from the children?
· Do I discipline so I can teach? Or so kids can learn?
· How can I involve children more in planning and programming? In what ways do my kids have ownership of “my” programming?
If we’re honest, most of our children’s ministries arise from our desires and expectations. We want kids to think, feel and act like us. It’s like pouring new wine into old wineskins.
But they will never be “adult” enough for us. They can’t. They’re kids. And whenever we force their faith to follow ours, we lose. We commit “adultery.” And in the dirt of our designs and the sand of our schemes, Jesus scrawls a message to heed: “I tell you the truth, you must change and become like little children. Otherwise, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven (Matthew 18:3).”
Like Chuck E. Cheese, our church should be a sanctuary where a “kid can be a kid.” Adultery has no place in church.
Go and sin no more.
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Committed to TEACHING...for a CHANGE!
Rick Chromey is Professor of Christian Education and Youth Ministry at Saint Louis Christian College. To be included on his newsletter list, send and email to rchromey@juno.com
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